You made me turn away
by asmilewaiting
Summary: BakuraRyou Yaoi. Warning! This is very dark, contains NCS, masachism and self afflicted wounds. Bakura's POV as he tells his point of view of the past few months with Ryou. Songfic to Prayer by Disturbed


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You made me turn away…

I watched with an evil glint in my eyes as you stumbled and fell, trembling as you scurried back, away from me. Back pressed against the wall, eyes darting from side to side then back up at me.

I looked down at you and smiled. You couldn't remove your eyes from my gaze.

Got'ya now, hikari dear.

I reached down and stroked your trembling cheek. You looked scared… but there was hope in your eyes.

Hope? For what? Hah, foolish hikari, you think I've changed? Foolish…very foolish.

I stepped back and slapped you sharply across the face. You fell unconscious immediately, weakling that you are. But before you did I saw the fleeting glimpse of despair in your eyes. Ah, how satisfying it was.

You are beautiful when you have no hope.

Hopeless angel, fallen from the sky. 

~Another dream that will never come true  
Just to compliment your sorrow~

Remember that one time? Ah, I'm sure you do… Your girlfriend…what was her name?

No matter, worthless thing she was, the little bitch. I can't believe you thought she loved you. Pathetic.

She was a whore. Every night at the bar I frequent, I saw her, flirting with drunken strangers, not even a hint of the girl you thought you knew.

She would have hurt you. And no one is allowed to hurt you but me. Only me.

I killed her, what a satisfying feeling it was, the feeling of her neck breaking between my fingers, the blood gushing from wounds all over her naked body as she struggled to free herself. What a sight. 

But you were angry.

  
~Another life that I've taken from you  
A gift to add on to your pain and suffering~

I've never seen you so angry in my time as your yami.

You even tried to stand up against me. Hah! Foolish. I had you pinned against the wall in 3 seconds flat. Took you a while to finally give up. You couldn't even go to school for the next few weeks because of it. Ah, but you asked for it.

You wanted to know why, remember dear?

Yes… I remember it clearly: tears streaming down your beautiful face as you whisper the same word over and over again. 

"Doushite, Yami-sama? Doushite…"

What a site… how beautiful you were.

I was compelled to tell you. So I did. 

But you didn't believe me, did you? You just left the room, stumbling out like the weakling you are.

You thought I was being hateful. Spiteful. Evil. Hah! You never believed me when I told you it was to protect you.

You left me alone in that room with only the darkness as my company.

  
~Another truth you can never believe  
Has crippled you completely~

After that I think you went mad… Talking to yourself in whispering voices, then starting to scream as loud as you could at some formless person, creature.

You even freaked me out the first time I saw you like that.

I figured it would pass. Like everything else your fucked up conscience conjured up for you to believe.

Amusing how you thought it was your fault I became like this.

Highly amusing, in fact.

  
~All the cries you're beginning to hear  
Trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening~

I was right in fact.

It did pass.

But you were never the same.

You took your beatings; you took it all without uttering a single word, a single sound, moan, gasp escaping your plush lips.

I hated it.

Your soulless eyes staring up at me with no feelings what-so-ever.

It scared me, and I hated it.

I hurt you more, hit you more. It became a daily thing, right after you returned from school. Though I had to be careful not to hurt your face, so no one would notice anything.

And still you didn't utter a word. Only to your friends would you say anything.

I was jealous, envious of your so-called friends. But I let it pass. The pharaoh would probably seal me if I killed any of his pathetic friends. 

But inside I was seething. You didn't understand. I was speaking the truth before.

You are my only link to the world, my only link to sanity.  
  
~Let me enlighten you  
This is the way I pray~

I had no other way out. I couldn't kill those who you liked, loved more than me.

I had to claim you. For you were mine - are mine. 

You remember that fateful day, don't you Ryou-chan? I know you do… finally I got a sound from those beautiful pink lips.

You came home expecting to be hit. Ah… but I surprised you. I grabbed you and tied your hands, stripping you and pressing you against the wall. 

You were scared. Beyond scared, as I reached around and touched you. The only place I had never touched you before.

It was ecstasy. 

For both of us.

As I fucked you, the harsh sound of two bodies being forced together, the sound of your gasps, your moans, your pleas for me to stop as you came again and again…all those sounds surrounded me. 

Beautiful.  
  
~Living just isn't hard enough  
Burn me alive, inside  
Living my life's not hard enough  
Take everything away~

I loved it. I did it again and again.

Instead of beating you every day, I raped you. Though I don't know if it could be called rape. 

You came home and striped yourself, standing there waiting for me to approach you.

You can't even imagine how you looked, stripped of everything except the Millennium Ring, tied around your neck, standing in our front hall.

Perfect.

You body, your hair, your green eyes as you looked at the ground in shame.

Just perfect.

But it didn't last.  
  
~Another nightmare about to come true  
Will manifest tomorrow~

I didn't know you were a masochist. Didn't know you actually enjoyed what I did to you, at least not to that extent. 

You wanted it, after a while you even begged for it.

You wanted it on the weekends, at night, all the time.

You even skipped school to stay home and try to get me to fuck you.

You liked it violent, harsh, cruel.

It was scary - my pure angel wanted me to hurt it.

But not as scary as what happened weeks later.

You confessed your love for me. During one of our sessions.

It shocked me to no end.

It scared me so much that I left. I left for many months. At least six, I can't remember exactly, I wasn't really all there during that time.

All that time I was thinking about how you could love me, a demon like myself.

And how you could disobey my highest rule. Love is a weakness, never succumb to it.

But most of all I was fighting with myself. 

I was always taught love is a weakness. I always held it for the truth. 

My father was the one to teach me that. My first and last bitter lesson from him.

I loved him, and he left, sold me to a slave trader.

He proved his own advice true.

I was so lost in my hate for him, for the world, that I lost my sanity.

But with those three words you broke through all my walls, everything.

And I found myself wondering whether that rule was true or not.

I wanted to believe it was true.

I wanted to believe it wasn't.

I hit you, hurt you, raped you. I was only hateful to you and yet you loved me.

How was that possible?

And what was the point? What was I supposed to do?

I had no idea.

But in those six months, I had left you alone.

Without your beloved sex, without me, your 'love'.

And without an answer.

I had left you right after your so-called confession and you didn't know what to think.

You took it for rejection.

Almost took your life.

But I came home.

I went back to you and found you sitting in your room cutting at your arms like there was no tomorrow.

There probably wouldn't have been, had I come later.

~Another love that I've taken from you  
Lost in time, on the edge of suffering~

You were overjoyed and I found myself being held in the arms of an Angel.

It was amazing. I found myself forgetting all the rules my life had drilled into me.

I began to believe in love.

For those few precious months, I even felt it.

You cared for me. Forgave me where no one in my life had ever forgiven me.

I started to trust. 

You wanted it again and I gave it to you.

You moaned more than you used to. Even screamed.

It was beautiful.

~Another taste of the evil I breed  
Will level you completely~

But it wouldn't last.

That idiotic Pharaoh had to stick his nose where it didn't belong.

He confronted you. He wanted to know why you didn't go to school. Wanted to know where the scars on your arm came from after rudely shoving you sleeves up to look for them.

He thought it was me.

He thought I did that. The bastard. 

Couldn't he see we were happy? Couldn't he see those scars were old?

He confronted me, while you were out of the house.

He wanted to kill me.

After all, it was possible since I had my own body.

He almost succeeded in fact.

But you… you came home right when he had me cornered, right when he attacked.

And you saved my life.

You stepped in front of me and took the entire blast onto yourself.

It killed you immediately.

The Pharaoh was shocked.

He didn't know why you, who should obviously hate me, saved my life.

He was even more surprised when I dropped to my knees next to your fast cooling body, wrapping my arms around you and began to cry.

I cried and cried. 

You were my savior, my life, my light. My only link to my now crumbling sanity.

I never saw the pharaoh again. He left immediately, obviously ruffled.

But I didn't care.

I just took your body up to our room and laid you in our bed, gently stripping you of your clothes, kissing you again and again, all over, wishing that you would wake up and wrap your arms around me and tell me everything would be alright, like you always do.

Tell me that you love me, that it was all just a nightmare and you would never die, never leave me.

I never left the house after that.

I shut and locked the doors, shut the blinds. I didn't let anyone in and refused to talk to anyone. I unplugged the phone so that the phone calls would stop.

I sat in the dark all day.

I was slowly losing it.

  
~Bring to life everything that you fear  
Live in the dark, and the world is threatening~

And now Ryou, as I sit here beside your decaying body, as I sit here and sing to you, talk to you, kiss you… tell you how much I love you… I die.

I reach for the knife you used to use and slide it across my skin. Deeper, deeper. Again and again… I watch my own blood flow down my limbs. Beautiful.

Now I know why you liked it. Pain is pleasure.

I look down at your white face and kiss your lips again before going on with my procedures.  
  
~Let me enlighten you  
This is the way I pray~

I know now.

There is no more reason for me to remain here. You are dead. I am dead. My life died with you. My trust died with you. My love died with you.

My love and trust for anyone but you.

I still love you and I trust that wherever I go after death, you will be there waiting for me.

Remember how I told you I hurt you to protect you?

Well, now I shall hurt myself to protect you.

You almost died without me.

Now you are dead without me.

Your soul must be somewhere. And if what you told me every day is true… you are hurting without me.

As I bring the knife over my right wrist, I say a prayer to whatever gods there are for me to be able to reach you. Find you again. Love you again. Trust you again.

I cut deep, it stings, but it is pleasure. I do it again and then the other wrist.

What a way to die.

I crawl over to you, pull up the blankets and wrap my naked and blood-crusted body around yours, pulling the blanket back over us and resting my head on your cold shoulder.

"I love you Ryou…"  


~Return to me  
Leave me no one  
Turn to me  
Return to me  
Cast aside~  
  
**~*You've made me turn away…*~**  



End file.
